


Be My First

by Nicicia



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), First Time, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 11:35:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9489263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicicia/pseuds/Nicicia
Summary: Gon wants Killua to be his first.





	

how he felt about his room, she said it wasn’t his room that became smaller, it was him who had grown bigger. Of course Gon knows that is true, but he feels like it’s not just his body that has grown over the past three years—three years spent training all over an island where he knew most scratches in the rocks, and caves in forest by the time he was twelve years old.

His computer, however, is hooked up to the Internet, and so the last few months he has preferred to use his computer to study rather than reading books at the library. And as he spent more time browsing for information for his studies, he learned the Internet is an endless forest. There’s always a branch with something shiny and tempting, and when he looks at it, dozens of other branches appear, offering more fruits for him to pick and choose. Unlike the forests on Whale Island which end in fields, cliffs, or the ocean, this one just keeps going deeper into an even larger forest with no end in sight. The perfect escape.

The last three hours have taken Gon on a journey through cyberspace, and into teen forums where sex is arguably the most popular topic. Gon supposes being almost seventeen years old he should be a lot more interested in love and sex than he has been so far in his life. Most of the teenagers discussing it online seems to be very interested in the topic judging by the number of views the thread titled Tips For The First Time has. Gon thinks it’s more confusing than math. There are just too many contradictions. And there seems to be a great divide between girls and boys when it comes to opinions.

_Experience is best. You want someone who knows what the hell they’re doing. My first time hurt like hell because it was my boyfriend’s first time too._

_Trust is definitely more important than experience. We all have start out somewhere. So long as you trust each other, you’ll be fine._

How is Gon supposed to know what to do? Not that he’s planning on actually doing it with anyone anytime soon. And who would he be able to do it with anyway?

_Experience is important..._

_Trust is more important..._

_Someone you like..._

He isn’t sure about experience, but trust on the other hand... The first person who pops into his head is Killua. “Someone you like...” He does like Killua a lot. That’s why Killua is his best friend. But Gon is unsure if the comment meant the same way friends like each other. Even if the comment didn’t say it, Gon suspects whoever wrote it probably meant love.

Gon doesn’t know much about love either. But if it’s possible to do it with someone he likes then... Would he do that with Killua? He chews his bottom lip and considers the question. Gon has other people whom he trusts. Leorio, Kurapika, and most of the friends he’s made over the years appear in his mind’s eye. And of course there’s Mito. But...the thought of doing that with them makes him feel somehow deeply uncomfortable.

He thinks of Killua again, and strangely, he feels calm, comfortable. So maybe he wouldn’t mind doing it with Killua then? Especially if it’s a question of trust...

Another thought occurs to him, and he frowns. His sex education so far only specified boys and girls doing it together. But Killua is a boy. Can he even do something like that with Killua? Hisoka alluded to things in the past, but Gon didn’t think about it then.

He launches forward and quickly types into the search bar.

_Can boys have sex with boys?_

A string of answers appear.

With his heart speeding up in anticipation, Gon clicks a link.

Countless clicks later, Gon has thoroughly confirmed that boys can, indeed, do it with each other. And the crash course he’s found himself leaves no room for imagination. Not only is the blog he’s currently reading detailed, it contains posts with thorough instructions on how to do different acts, complimented with witty commentary, and additional illustrations and pictures the author claims to have found online.

Gon’s mouth has gone dry. He leans close to the screen, his gaze skimming through a particularly long entry. His heartbeat is loud in his ears, and he licks his chapped lips. This blog post... His gaze keep wandering back to the images next to the text. Gon has never seen more intimate acts than what the young men in the images are doing. The pose is almost exactly what he knows a boy and a girl does, but the engaging anatomy is different, and the instructions makes that difference very clear. Gon wonders if the men in the images are in love, even though some part of him knows they probably aren’t. But they have to trust each other at least, this Gon feels certain of. To let someone inside their body that way... Gon thinks he finally understands why trust is so important between the partners.

He leans back in his chair and shifts the cursor over a link titled DEMO VIDEO. He’s not sure he wants to see it. He suspects it will be a video version of what’s happening in the photos. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t exactly need to see a live-action version when the blog posts are plenty detailed. And yet... Will it be the same two men from the images? His finger moves almost like it’s got a will of its own and presses down on the mouse.

A little video window pops up and Gon’s bedroom is filled with lewd moans.

Gon’s heart jumps up his throat, and he shoots off his chair. He lunges forward and repeatedly hits the X in the top right corner of the video. The video closes, and the silence is shattering. Gon let’s out a harsh breath and slumps back down in his chair. He strongly hopes Mito didn’t hear any of that. Gon doesn’t want her to think he’s watching those kinds of movies.

Gon scratches his neck absentmindedly and looks at the computer screen—at the blog he’s spent how long reading now? He read through a dirty blog with the thought of maybe doing those things with his best friend one day?

One day...

Gon’s gaze travel to the little beetle-phone next to the keyboard. The phone had arrived only a few months ago by a way of falcon. A letter attached to the phone explained it was a special phone infused with Nen, and able to withstand hacking for up to nine months at the maker’s estimate. Apparently Killua has found a Nen user who is able to make phones temporarily safe from hacking, and had one phone sent to Gon so they could communicate. With Killua and Alluka constantly on the move, Gon can’t send them letters, and Killua told him emails are too vulnerable to hacking, even with several accounts.

On that special phone is a text Gon knows by heart, but not because it’s only one sentence.

_see ya in a few days_

The text was sent exactly two days ago. Earlier that same day, Killua had called. The conversation had been brief and to the point, and yet Gon hadn’t felt so happy in weeks.

Killua is coming to visit this very week. Killua and his sister, Alluka.

His mind once again fills with thoughts about all the things he wants to do with Killua when he’s here. Exploring the forest, even though Gon practically knows every single leaf on every single tree and bush by now. Both of them will teach Alluka how to fish. They will play games, and talk about everything. Mito will probably want to cook for them. And maybe, just maybe, Gon can take Killua out camping one night. Alone. Just the two of them. He’s missed spending time with Killua so much the thought of just the two of them together again sends his heart soaring.

Gon takes a final glance at the blog still open on his computer. A strange urge to bookmark the blog briefly comes over him. He shakes his head. Even if he wanted to forget what he’s learned from the blog, he doubts he can. He closes the browser and shuts down the computer.

Despite Gon’s best attempts to concentrate on his studies that evening, his mind keeps wandering and images from the blog fills his head. He’s now aware of so many things he can do. Things with hands and mouths. And other parts… Things he could potentially do with Killua. And he doesn’t even know why he can’t imagine doing those things with anyone else except Killua. Perhaps it’s because he actually trusts Killua the most?

The pictures from the blog comes floating through his mind, and they’re morphing. One of the men’s features change—brown hair becomes white like gleaming snow, and defined muscles turn slender and strong. The man is no longer a man at all, but a teenager. And Gon looks down into wide, spring-sky blue eyes—

His heart beat has sped up, the thumps rocking through his chest. His skin feels hotter than usual, and he shrugs out of the shirt over his tee. He vigorously shakes his head to clear the mental images away, but they stubbornly remain. He pushes them as far back in his mind as he can. Why is he imagining this now? He’s not even reading anything on the computer.

The next few days, between his chores, studies, and daily Nen exercises, Gon inexplicably finds himself researching adult things online. He finds the blog again in the browsing history. He’s surprised he doesn’t feel any regret or shame in his strange new interests. His temperature rises, and Killua pops into his mind. The thoughts of doing things with Killua has his blood pumping, and rushing downward until the front of his pants feels too tight. And that’s his cue to stop researching and get away from the computer. He’s experienced arousal before, but it had been his body’s hormones doing it on their own. This is the first time there’s been a fantasy attached to it, and he doesn’t quite know what to make of it. He’s not sure whether it’s right to let himself engage in it, so he refrains. Instead, he jumps into the shower and let’s the freezing water cool him down.

It’s raining heavily the day Killua and Alluka arrive. They enter the hall with mud-splattered boots, and their raincoats and backpacks dripping fat drops of rain onto the floor.

“Yo! Gon!” Killua’s voice is lower than last time Gon heard it, but there’s still a boyish tone to it. Killua grins and removes his boots. The scents of wet forest, soil, and faint mint that must be from his soap wafts from him. His snowflake-white hair is mostly dry thanks to the raincoat’s hood, but tiny droplets fall from the tips of his fringe, like water from icicles .

Gon’s first instinct is to run towards Killua, tackle him to the floor in an embrace, and smear Killua in Gon’s scent, but he stops himself. He’s never had such an overwhelming urge to hug Killua before, but then again he has never been separated from Killua for so long. Gon keeps standing at the end of the hall, and sends Killua a grin so wide his cheeks hurt. “Killua! You’re here.”

Killua hangs Alluka’s raincoat on the hook on the wall, then shrugs out of his own raincoat and hangs it next to hers. He strides up to Gon. “You’re taller.” He puts his hand on top of his own head, palm flat, and moves it towards the top of Gon’s head, comparing their heights. “But I’m still taller.” He grins triumphantly.

Gon’s gaze lingers on Killua’s pink, wet lips for a couple of seconds before he meets Killua’s gaze. “I’ve still got three more years until I’m twenty. I’ll catch you.”

Killua smirks. “Keep dreaming.” He walks past Gon and into the living room.

Alluka walks up to Gon and beams. “Hello, Gon.” She’s the same height as Gon now. The same forest and earth scents from Killua cling to her, along with the smell of fruity shampoo.

Gon greets her back and gestures for her to walk into the living. “After you.”

Mito is incredibly happy to see Killua again. She hugs him like she hugs Gon, and then hugs Alluka the same way even though it’s the first time they meet. She promises to cook them dinner and dessert, then leaves them to themselves.

The three of them spend the evening sitting around in Gon’s room.

Gon’s gaze keeps drifting up and down Killua. He’s seen photos, of course. Alluka has sent him plenty. But no photo can compare to the living Killua in front of him now.

Killua sits-cross-legged on Gon’s bed. His jawline is sharper, and his cheekbones are more prominent than Gon remembers even from the photos. Killua shrugs his hoodie over his head, and the shirt underneath rides up with the movement and exposes a strip of pale skin above his waistband.

Gon’s stares at the exposed skin until it disappears under Killua’s shirt once more. A tint of disappointment swirls in Gon’s belly, but then he lifts his gaze and the small show of skin is pushed to the back of his mind, because what Killua is wearing leaves little to imagination.

Killua is wearing a tight, long-sleeved shirt that hugs his upper body snugly. His shoulders are broader than the last time Gon saw him. His waist is slender like he’s built for speed, the contours of his abs faintly visible from under his shirt. Dark grey pants cling to his long legs. His long, perfectly shaped legs. Definitely built for speed. Underneath all the other scents, his clothes carries the faintest hint of sea spray. He must have spent time on the deck of the ship he and Alluka took to get here.

Curiously, Alluka doesn’t smell like the sea.

Killua and Alluka tell Gon about their travels—the landscapes they’ve seen, the people they’ve meet, the creatures they saw, and it all makes Gon feel like he’s been locked up on Whale Island like a prison.

Gon tries to stop staring at Killua and pay full attention to Killua’s tale, but the sound of Killua’s voice somehow drowns out the actual words he’s speaking. By the time Mito calls them to dinner, Gon is sure he missed a lot of details, and feels slightly guilty about it.

During dinner, Killua and Alluka tell Mito about Nanika, the other consciousness, as Killua puts it, sharing Alluka’s body. Gon remembers Killua giving him a similar explanation before they parted at the World Tree, but back then he hadn’t really found it too odd that two people could share the same body, now however, he finds Alluka’s sudden switch into Nanika slightly startling.

The last time Gon met Nanika, Alluka’s eyes turned empty black, and her mouth morphed into a a wide doll-grin, but this time Alluka’s face remains the same. Only her eyes seem to widen with child-like wonder, and as she introduces herself, Nanika’s voice sounds higher, as though Nanika is somehow younger than Alluka.

Mito stares in surprise at first, but quickly recovers and introduces herself to Nanika the same way she did with Alluka.

Killua leans over to Gon and whispers, “The two of them found a way to switch without making it obvious. Scares less people, and we might be able to fool Illumi if we have to.”

Nanika looks at Mito like a young starry-eyed child. “Mito is so pretty.”

“Goodness.” Mito puts a hand in front of her mouth and chuckles. “Thank you sweetheart. However, the most beautiful at this table is you, my dear.”

Nanika’s cheeks turns sunset-pink, and her mouth stretches into a sparkling grin.

After dinner, Mito offers Alluka and Nanika Gon’s late great grandmother’s old room, which is currently unoccupied.

Alluka, the one in charge of her body, accepts the offer, smiling happily at Mito.

“You sure?” Killua asks Alluka.

“Of course, brother. You’ll sleep with Gon, right?”

“I…” Killua looks at Gon questioningly. “Guess so?”

Gon nods.

“See,” Alluka sports a smirk that’s incredibly similar to the way Killua smirks. “I don’t want to sleep in the same room as you boys forever. And I need time on my own. I’m a teenager, you know.” The smirk is replaces by an innocent smile. “And this is Whale Island. It’s safe here.”

Killua looks at her for a couple of seconds, then blows out a sigh and smiles. “Okay, Alluka. As long as it’s okay with you.”

Gon guesses Killua and Alluka probably haven’t spent much time apart the last couple of years.

The three of them spend the evening playing Lying Dice. Killua dominates the game, until Alluka takes a surprising lead. She accuses Killua of letting her win, and the next round she secretly teams up with Gon. And Gon and Alluka manage to get three of Killua’s dice out of the game.

Killua pouts, then retaliates.

In the end, Killua sweeps a merciless victory, Alluka comes on second with three dice left, and Gon loses empty-handed.

Mito announces she is going to bed and advices them not to stay up too long.

“I’ll go to bed now too.” Alluka rises from her seat. She puts an arm around Killua’s neck and presses her cheek against Killua’s, then she hugs Gon the same way. “Goodnight.” She disappears up the stairs to the second floor.

Killua looks up the stairs after her. “She keeps wanting her own hotel rooms a lot these days. I think she’s getting sick of me hanging around all the time.” He leans his chin in one hand, and nudges a dice around with his index finger. “She’s making friends too. She got so mad when I tried to explain to her that she couldn’t just give her new friends her phone number. Milluki can hack phones in his sleep. So I had to get the special phones. She’s really enjoying using hers.” He snaps the dice into the five dice huddled together, and they clink like marbles. He leans back in his chair, a thoughtful expression on his face.

Gon decides to leave Killua to his thoughts, and cleans away their empty cups and the bowl of popcorn from the kitchen table.

Gon and Killua move into Gon’s room after that.

Killua flops down onto the bedding Mito found for him, and spreads out like a starfish.

Gon lies down on his bed. His feet reach the board, and if he scoots further back his head bumps into the headboard. But somehow the bed feels too big now. He rolls onto his side looks down at Killua.

Killua has closed his eyes, and his face is serene, like he’s finally able to truly relax after a long time.

A strange warmth spreads through Gon’s chest. He closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath. He smells Killua in the room, familair yet new. He’s missed it.

The room is quiet, and Gon senses something flying towards his face. He reaches up and catches something soft. He opens his eyes. A pillow.

A chuckle comes from the floor.

Gon bends over the bed and looks down.

Killua is smirking at him.

Oh, it’s on! Gon throws the pillow at Killua and launches off the bed.

Killua bats aside the pillow, and catches Gon around the waist and holds him tight.

The two of them roll around and wrestling on the bedding, each trying to get the upper hand and pin the other down, grins on their faces and soft laughter bubbling up their throats.

Killua grabs hold of both of Gon’s arms, and rolls over so he’s on top. He pins Gon’s arms down and sits on his belly. He laughs in victory, and leans over Gon with a smug grin. “I win. As usual.” His eyes shine. His face is inches away from Gon’s. His minty breath caresses Gon’s face. “You’ve been training all these years and you still can’t pin me down.”

“Just wait.” Gon wriggles, but fails to loosen Killua’s grip. “Before you leave I’ll definitely pin you.”

Killua snorts. “Yeah, yeah, sure.”

Killua’s warm weight on top of him makes the images from the online videos spark in Gon’s mind. Gon’s gaze moves to Killua’s smirking mouth. It would take no effort at all for Gon to close the distance between his mouth and Killua’s and kiss him. He wants to. He really, really wants to. But how would Killua react?

Killua’s smirk vanishes, and a puzzled look appears. His gaze moves from Gon’s eyes to his mouth, as though he’s reading Gon’s thoughts.

Gon holds his breath. Is Killua going to…

Killua relinquishes his hold on Gon’s arms, and sits up. The color on his face seems darker. He looks away and his voice drops to a mumble. “I’m tired. Let’s sleep, yeah?” He moves off of Gon, and lies down on his back.

Gon turns his head and looks at Killua.

Killua closes his eyes, apparently not minding Gon next to him even though the bedding is barely wide enough for both of them. His arm is only an inch away from Gon’s, giving off comforting warmth.

A question burns on Gon’s mind. He wants to ask but…what if Killua rejects him? Somehow, the thought gives him a cold knot in his stomach. Should he just do it? It seems strange, and maybe a bit impolite. He remembers what the online articles said about consent. About how it was important for things that might seem small. But this doesn’t feel like a small thing. Gon turns on his side so he’s facing Killua. He takes in a long breath through his nose. “Killua?”

Killua hums in response.

Gon leans up on his elbow. “I have something to ask you.”

“Okay…” Killua pops one eye open and looks at Gon. “What is it?”

Gon brings his face closer to Killua’s. His heart beats a little faster, and gentle warmth spreads across his face. “Can I…”

Both of Killua’s eyes are open now, staring at Gon. A scent of anticipation and nervousness comes off him.

“Killua can I…” Gon dares leaning even closer, and he smells peppermint toothpaste on Killua’s breath. “ Can I kiss you?”

Killua blinks. His face is blank for a few seconds, then the corners of his mouth quiver and his cheeks darken to deep purple that would probably be bright red in daylight. “What… Did you just ask to ki—kiss me?”

Gon breathes in. Killua’s blushing face is unbelievably cute, and it only makes Gon want to kiss him more. “Yes. I…I want to kiss you. Can I?”

“I…” Killua moves his gaze away from Gon’s and fixes it on the small open space of bedding between the two of them. He silently stares at the piece of bedding for several seconds. He slowly looks back up at Gon, and the tip of his tongue darts across his bottom lip. “I guess it’s…okay.”

With his heart hammering, Gon leans closer to Killua’s face…and closer…and closer, and he can’t look Killua in the eyes without going cross-eyed. He closes his eyes, and tilts his head a little.

Killua’s peppermint breath ghosts over Gon’s mouth.

Gon crosses the last inch between their mouths and presses his lips softly against Killua’s. Slight moisture coats Killua’s lips from when he licked them earlier, making them peach-soft. Gon’s doing it. He’s kissing Killua. He’s kissing his best friend. And something warm and wonderful soars in his chest. The kiss is a simple press of lips against lips, and it’s amazing.

Killua doesn’t respond at first, then he gently kisses back.

Gon doesn’t know how long they’re kissing. His mind is blank. All he feels is Killua’s soft lips against his own, and he wishes he could do this for the rest of the night. He reluctantly pulls back, and opens his eyes. “Woah…”

Killua’s face is flushed. His heart is thumping loud enough for Gon to hear. He looks at Gon with slightly dazed eyes, like something unbelievable just happened.

Gon’s lips feel slightly wet now. He licks his lips and tastes a hint of peppermint. He misses Killua’s lips already. Did Killua also like what they did? “Was that good?”

Killua gazes at Gon’s lips for second, and he too licks his own lips. “Ye-yeah…It was…” His looks into Gon’s eyes. “It was alright.”

Gon smiles. “Thank you. For letting me kiss you.”

“Thank you?” Killua’s sharp eyebrows rise. “Who the hell says thank you after a kiss?”

Gon gently pokes Killua’s shoulder. “I do.”

Killua pokes Gon back, harder. “Weirdo.”

Although Killua’s poke didn’t hurt, Gon rubs his shoulder. “Do you wanna go sleep outside tomorrow night? With me? Just me and you. We can go hiking and just… Hang out.” Like we used to.

Killua looks surprised by Gon’s question, and some of the daze disappear from his eyes. “You mean like camping?”

“Yeah, we’ll take the tent and sleeping bags.”

Killua looks up at the ceiling. He scratches his hair, then turns to Gon and smiles. “Okay, I’m in. If it’s okay with Alluka.”

Gon’s mouth stretch into a wide grin.

“Can we go to sleep now?” Killua grabs the comforter, pulls it over his legs and stomach, then closes his eyes. “Damn, I’m tired.”

Gon isn’t sure whether he should move back to his bed. He’d rather sleep right next to Killua. And by the sight of things, Killua doesn’t seem to mind. At least he hasn’t kicked Gon off the bedding yet. So Gon lies on his back, and the comforter over both of them. “G’night, Killua.”

“Night…” Killua turns on his side with his back to Gon. “If you hog the comforter, I’ll kick you.”

Gon chuckles.

When Gon wakes up, he’s lying spread across the bedding, alone.

Killua has stolen Gon’s bed. He’s on his stomach, one arm hanging over the side of the bed. Comforter in a crumbled heap over his hips.

Gon doesn’t mind Killua taking his bed, again. It reminds Gon of when Killua came home with him for the first time all those years ago. Gon let’s Killua sleep until the scent of bread drifts from the kitchen, then he throws a pillow at Killua.

To Gon’s surprise, the pillow hits Killua in the head.

Killua groans and lifts his head. His eyes are only half-way open, and his hair sticks up in every direction, wilder than usual. “What the hell?”

Gon chuckles and flees from the room before Killua can retaliate.

That day, Gon’s mind is a mess. Whenever he looks at Killua, the memories of Killua’s lips pressing against his own makes an appearance.

Gon takes Killua and Alluka to the lake twenty minutes away from the house, and teaches Alluka how to fish. Although Alluka gets the hang of using Mito’s fishing rod quickly, after thirty minutes she falls asleep against Killua’s side.

In the end, Killua is the one who catches a fish perfect for lunch, and Alluka wakes up just in time to watch Gon gut it.

She squirms, covering her eyes, and proclaims she doesn’t like fishing.

When they’re back at the house Alluka offers to help Mito prepare lunch, leaving Gon and Killua alone outside.

Gon sits cross legged on the grass a couple of steps away from the edge of the cliff behind the house, and looks out at the eternal-blue ocean. There’s a few miles of forest below the cliff before the island ends, but the waves whisper on the light spring breeze.

Killua sits next to him, playing a game on his phone, and smelling absolutely fantastic. He smells like forest, but also of Gon’s room, and of everything Gon’s.

Gon can recognize his own scent on others, and his scent on Killua makes something in his belly purr with satisfaction.

Killua laughs, his voice ringing like carefree bells. “New high-score!” He lifts the phone and holds it up to show Gon, then he puts the phone inside his pocket. “So, what’d you wanna do next? Spar?”

The images from the the blog comes into Gon’s mind, and it makes his thoughts all muddled. A question burns inside him. “Killua…” He stretches out his legs so his boots touch the edge of the cliff. He turns his upper body to face Killua, and he looks into Killua’s eyes. “Can I kiss you again?”

  
“Killua stiffens, and cotton candy-pink floods his cheeks. “Kiss? Wa—why?”

“I like kissing you.”

Killua’s mouth forms a small o. He turns his head away. His hair, shimmering like sunlit snow, waves in the breeze coming up the cliff.

Gon’s heart stammers. Killua looks beautiful. “Can I?”

“I...I don’t know. I just…” Killua picks at a blade of grass, his gaze on the horizon. “I don’t think we should do that again.”

“Why?” Gon leans closer to him. “Was it really that bad kissing me?”

Killua turns to him sharply. “I—no—I mean—it wasn’t—I…” The color in his cheeks darkens. He looks away again. “ It was good, I guess. But I wouldn’t know anyway, okay. It’s not like I’ve kissed anyone before.” He grabs his phone from his pocket and begins typing away at it, opening and closing apps like he can’t decide what to use. “Why are you even asking this?”

Gon scoots closer to him, and his thigh is just a breath short of bumping against Killua’s. “You haven’t kissed anyone before?”

Killua’s fingers stop pounding away at his phone. “That’s—!” The redness on his cheeks spreads all the way to the tips of his ears. “No, not really. That last night…” He darts a quick look at Gon, before looking down at the phone held at his lap. “That was my first.”

Gon can’t believe it. Someone as good-looking as Killua…and Gon was his first kiss. Excited butterflies erupts in his stomach. “It was my first too.”

Killua looks at Gon from the corners of his eyes, and lets out a chuckle that sounds slightly chocked in his throat. “Really?”

“I’m glad it was you.” Gon shoots Killua a grin. “And I’m really happy I was yours, too.”

Killua looks back down at his phone, and the corners of his mouth twitches. “…Idiot.”

“So can we,” Gon leans his upper body a little closer to him, and he’s almost whispering in Killua’s ear, “kiss again?”

Killua chews his bottom lip for a few seconds. He turns his head to face Gon, and his gaze lands on Gon’s lips. “Okay.”

Gon holds Killua’s gaze and leans in.

Killua meets him partway and their lips touch.

Gon’s eyes close. Killua’s lips are dry this time, but still just as soft. Gon keeps the kiss a simple press of lips at first, then gradually deepens the push. He parts his lips, takes Killua’s bottom lip between them, and lightly sucks on Killua’s lip.

Killua stiffens, and makes a little sound that might be a moan deep in throat.

Is that a good sound or a bad sound? Killua hasn’t pulled away yet, so it must be good. Gon pulls back for a second, and moves in again with slightly parted lips.

Killua’s lips parts in return, and takes Gon’s bottom lip between his, but instead of sucking like Gon did, something wet that can only be the tip of Killua’s tongue brushes Gon’s lip. Before Gon can fully appreciate the moment, killua gently touches his teeth to Gon’s lip. It’s nothing more than a touch, an extremely soft bite.

Gon inhales sharply, and exhales with a moan. His blood rushes south. He wants nothing more than to continue, but he is suddenly very aware of Mito and Alluka, who can look out a window at any moment, or come out and announce lunch is ready. Gon thinks if he gets more excited than this, he won’t be able to calm down for a long while. Not while Killua is present. And he doesn’t want to face Mito and Alluka in such a state. He presses his mouth a little harder to Killua’s one last time, then pulls away and opens his eyes.

The color of fresh raspberries coats Killua’s face. His lips are a darker shade of pink than normal, and his eyes look slightly dazed again just like the first time.

Gon can’t hold it anymore. He knows what he wants, and the question rumbling at the back of his mind tumbles out. “Killua, will you be my first?”

“First?” Killua’s eyes regains some clarity, and he looks at Gon in light confusion. “First what?”

Gon’s face warms. “Y’know, first time…having sex.”

Killua’s raspberry blush darkens, and his whole body goes rigid. “…That’s—That’s a really bad joke, Gon.”

Gon frowns. “I’m not joking Killua.”

Killua’s eyes widen just a little, and he leans back. His phone lies forgotten at his side. “You’re...you’re actually serious right now? Do you even know what you’re asking for?”

“Yes.” Gon puts on a serious tone. “I’ve learned a lot since we last met. I know what I’m asking for.”

Killua bites his bottom lip. He squirms a bit, looks down at his lap, and mumbles, “Friends aren’t supposed to do that with each other.”

“That’s not right.” Gon doesn’t mean to raise his voice, but it happens anyway. “I’ve learned a bunch of stuff. Some friends have sex. And besides, I know it’s important to do it with someone you like and trust. Well, I know you don’t have to love the person. But I want to do it with someone I really like.”

Killua frowns at the ground, and prods at a tuft of grass.“Then why don’t you go find some girl or something? Why—“ He turns his head just enough to look at Gon. “Why me?”

Gon shifts so his thigh lightly touches Killua’s. He bends down a little to peer up into at Killua’s face.“I don’t know when we’ll meet again. And I...I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I decided I want it to be you. I trust you. And I know it’s best when it’s someone you trust. And I care about you. So Killua, please be my first?”

Killua looks Gon in the eye for a second, then he looks around at nothing and everything.

The waves gently swish in the distance, and birds sing in the forest below.

Gon shifts to sit cross-legged again. His heart is beating with anticipation, and he hopes more than he’s hoped for anything the last year that Killua will say yes.

Killua sighs and returns his gaze to the ground. “Gon, I’m a boy.”

Gon doesn’t understand that response at all. “I know that.”

“And that doesn’t...bother you?” Killua looks at Gon with a guarded expression, like he’s mentally bracing himself for something.

“No.” Gon firmly shakes his head. “Does it bother you then? That I’m a boy too?”

“I...” Killua swallows, and the movement shows clearly through his pale throat. “I guess not...not really.”

Gon beams and before he can stop it he places his hand on top of Killua’s. “Can we do it tonight? When we’re camping? Please, Killua? You’re leaving tomorrow…” And I don’t know when I get to see you again. He can’t bring himself to say the rest. He refuses to acknowledge the strange little lump in the back of his throat right now.

Killua turns his head away for a second, thinking, and then slowly turns back to Gon. He looks resolute. “Okay.”

Butterflies erupt in Gon’s belly. He kisses Killua on the cheek, and as he draws away, his lips makes a small smacking sound. “Thanks, Killua.”

Killua touches two fingers to his cheek where Gon’s lips left a wet mark. “Who says thanks for something like that?” he says quietly, as though talking more to himself than Gon.

Gon grins and leans back on his hands. The sun warms his face, and the breeze brushes his skin.

They sit in silence for a while, until it occurs to Gon that if this is going to happen, they will need some supplies. He asks Killua whether he wants to come with him into town.

“Sure,” Killua agrees casually, back to his confident self.

After letting Mito and Alluka know they’ll be taking a short trip into town, and asking whether to bring anything back for them, Gon and Killua sprint all the way down to the town.

The early afternoon sun bathes the town in an earthly warmth that has people coming out of their houses to stroll the streets, lounge in hammocks by the beach, and tend to their gardens.

Gon isn’t entirely sure where he can obtain what he’s after. He stops outside the only pharmacy and figures it’s his best bet. Glass jars of herbs are displayed in the window, but Gon knows other forms of medicine are also stocked inside. “Let’s go in here.” Gon pushes open the door and heads inside.  
The bell aboe the door chimes in welcome.

Killua follows Gon inside, hands in his pockets. He takes a look at the shelves of herbs and raises an eyebrow.

“Oh, Gon-dear, is that you?” Mrs. Makina lifts her oval spectacles, and peers at Gon from behind the counter. Her frizzy gray hair spills from a large ponytail at the top of her head, and her lazuli necklace gleams.

Gon gives Mrs. Makina a wide grin, and bounds up to the counter. “Yes, it’s me.” He takes one of her hands in both of his and holds them for a couple of seconds before letting go. “I’m looking for something, and I don’t know where to find it. I figured maybe you could help.”

“I’ll do my best.” Mrs. Makina pats her temple and cracks a smile that deepens the laughter wrinkles around her mouth. “What do you need, my dear?”

“I need some condoms, and some lubricant, I think. Do you have that here?”

A strained little cough, barely susceptible to anyone who doesn’t posses almost animal-like hearing, comes from Killua’s direction.

Gon looks at Killua from the corners of his eyes.

Killua stands frozen by the shelves of rare herbs, staring hard at the large mosaic jars as though they contain all the world’s secrets. There’s a tint of peach to his cheeks.

“Oh, you’ve grown up so much.” Mrs. Makina’s voice gushes affection, and she pats one of Gon’s hands. “I might just be able to help you. My wife keeps a load of everything in her office. I remember I have definitely seen some condoms lying around. Just a moment, dear.” She disappears through the door behind the counter, into the small medical clinic joined with the apothecary.

While he waits, Gon turns his head and looks at Killua.

Killua is still staring at the herb jars, but his gaze looks far away.

Before Gon has the chance to say anything to him, Mrs. Makina pads back into the room. She puts five small square candly-like wrappings, and a small tube onto the counter in front of Gon. “Here you go, dear. My wife is thrilled she finally gets to give away some condoms. The last time a young couple came to her for treatment, she was trying push that stuff on them. ‘Better be safe, you never know what’s going to come from the mainland’ is what she always tells them. But there aren’t many young couples living here these days. Anyway, will that do you, dear? A young man like you will probably need more than just one of these buggers, won’t you?” She pats Gon’s cheek and chuckles, mirth twinkling in her wise-grey eyes.

“I don’t know. I think so.” Gon shrugs and picks up condoms. He holds them in his palm for a couple of seconds and look at them. With the vibrant red and blue plastic wrapping, they really could be mistaken for some kind of flat candy. He puts them in the pocket of his shorts. “Thank you so much, Mrs. Makina, and other Mrs. Makina too.”

“No need to thank us. But I’m sorry, this is all we have for lubrication for now.” She holds up the tube and shows Gon. “But don’t worry, my wife can order in more very soon, if you need.” She winks pointedly while chucking in the back of her throat, and hands Gon the lubricant. Her gaze falls on Killua, who is still stationed by the rare herb jars. “Do you need any help, dear?”

Killua’s body tenses, and he looks towards Mrs. Makina like a surprised cat. “Erm, no I’m…I’m fine.” He ducks his head, scratches his neck, and strides towards the door. “I’ll wait outside.”

When Killua is outside, Mrs. Makina raises both her eyebrows at Gon, and the corners of her mouth curls up. “Oh my.” A chuckle slips between her lips. “He reminds me of old Whitey—rushing out the door whenever my wife picked up the broom. Who was that young fellow, your friend—or perhaps…” Her mouths curls fully up into a mischievous smile. “Your boyfriend?”

Boyfriend? Gon feels light warmth on his face at the word. “Oh, that’s just Killua. He’s my best friend.” The heat from his face moves into his chest and settles in his heart. “I think he got embarrassed.” He fishes his old frog wallet out of his back pocket. “So how much is it for everything?”

“Oh it’s free, dear.” Mrs. Makina waves her hand dismissively towards Gon’s wallet. “My wife needed to get rid of those things before they went out of date. It’s not like we need them. At least someone can have good time with them now.” She winks again, and her gaze filter towards the door for a second. “Always lovely to see you, Gon. Take good care now, oh and tell Mito-dear I said hello.”

Gon nods, and puts the lubricant in his pocket as well. “Will do. Thanks again, Mrs. Makina. I’ll repay you soon.”

“No need to do such a thing, Gon.”

Gon simply grins at her, already forming a vague plan to pick herbs for her, and walks outside to the waiting Killua.

Gon and Killua walk down the mains street towards the vegetable stalls.

Killua walks with his hands in his pockets, and gaze at the passing stalls. “So… that old herb woman… She said she had a wife…”

“Oh yeah, Mrs. Makina and other Mrs. Makina.” Gon chuckles sheepishly. “Well other Mrs. Makina’s name is Holly, but it felt too weird calling her by her first name when I was a kid, you know.”

“So they are actually married?”

“Yeah. Didn’t you notice the ring on Mrs. Makina’s finger?”

“I… was kind of paying more attention to other stuff.” Killua makes a dismissive twirly wave with one of his hands. “And it’s not like only married couples wear rings. Do you have any idea how many assassins hide poisons in rings?”

“I don’t think Mrs. Makina and other Mrs. Makina are assassins.” Gon scrunches his nose and sticks his tongue out at Killua. “They moved here when I was ten. Mrs. Makina was the lady that sold all the teas that smelled really good, and talked about her wife a lot. And Other Mrs. Makina treated the sick people.”

Killua hums thoughtfully in response and doesn’t say anything more for a while.

As the two of them picks up some groceries for Mito, Killua stays mostly quiet. Gon doesn’t mind. They alternate between jogging and sprinting on the way back to the house, and the last spurt to the front door turns into a fifty-yards race that Killua wins.  
Come evening, they have supper with Alluka and Mito, then it’s time to prepare to leave for their one night of camping.

Gon fishes the evergreen colored backpack Mito gave him last year out of his closet. He finds a couple of sleeping bags in the cupboard downstairs, then he grabs a blanket from the top shelf in his closet.

Killua enters the room and comes up behind him. “We need blankets and sleeping bags? It’s not like it’s cold.”

“I know. But I have an idea.” Gon turns to Killua and grins at him. “You’ll see when we get there. Should I pack another blanket, maybe?”

Killua raises his eyebrows. “Alright, well whatever. I’m taking a shower.”

“Wanna do it together?”

Killua freezes up and his face turns baby-pink. “Uh... It’s faster if we go one at a time.”

“Oh.” Something close to disappointment swirls inside Gon. He turns back to his open backpack. “Okay.” He rolls up the folded blanket, and stuffs it into the backpack.

“I’ll just…” Killua points to the door, “go take a shower then.”

Gon already packed everything by the time Killua comes back into Gon’s room. Fresh from the shower, Killua smells of mild, fruity Whale Island soaps, the scents familiar and calming to Gon’s nose.

Gon also showers before they leave. He washes as thoroughly as he can. Killua probably wants him as clean as possible for what they’re going to do later.

As the two of them are about to head out the door, Killua asks Alluka once again whether she is okay with staying a night without him.

Alluka pouts. “Brother, really. I’m fine.”

“We’ll have a girls night.” Mito puts her hand on Alluka’s shoulder and smiles.

It’s the end of the conversation, and Killua looks relieved to know Alluka doesn’t mind the arrangement.

Mito hands Gon a cooling basket with food to take with them, and wishes them both a good night. Then Gon and Killua set off.

They walk in silence down the narrow dirt road under long palm-tree shadows.

Gon’s nerves come back. He wants to ease the awkwardness by talking, but he doesn’t know what to say. He wants to talk about what they’re about to do, but he also doesn’t. He wonders if Killua still wants to do it. What if Killua changed his mind and doesn’t want to tell Gon? He has learned enough about Killua to know Killua doesn’t always share what he really thinks, and is not always entirely honest.

Killua’s hand brushes against Gon’s.

Gon turns his head and looks at Killua.

Killua’s cheeks are dusted soft-pink, and his gaze is set straight forward.

Gon brushes Killua’s hand on purpose. He strokes his fingers across killua’s palm, and slowly intertwines their fingers.

Killua’s arm stiffens, and the pink on his cheeks spreads down his neck. He gives Gon’s hand a tiny squeeze.

Warmth flows between their hands, like an invisible strand connecting them to each other. Gon’s heart warms, and sweet sunshine shines inside his chest. He gently squeezes Killua’s hand back, meaning it to be reassuring and calming.

Killua’s arm relaxes again. His lips form a shy smile, and a gentle look enters his eyes. “So where are going, exactly?”

“The forest. I know a great place.”

They walk holding hands until Gon announces they should start running so they can get there before nightfall.

Deeper and deeper they trek. The fat trees squeeze together, their roots weave a carpet under Gon and Killua’s feet. Golden Light drizzles through the foliage above like small spotlights. Gon and Killua jog lightly like deer across the roots, and moss-blanketed earth. The shadows under the trees become broader, until only a few strips of daylight buries through the thick ceiling of leaves above them. Not even foxbears come this deep into the forest.

Gon stops and looks up a hill of sprawling, twining tree roots, and moss-clad rocks. “Up there.” He points to the top of the hill where the pastel-purple evening sky peeks between the trees. He grins at Killua. “Race you to the top?”

Killua grins back. “You’re on.”

Gon takes Killua’s hand and squeezes it once before he lets go. “One…two…Go!”

They leap up the hill, jumping from rock to rock. The thrill and memory of younger days full of friendly races across different terrain is over in less than five seconds.

Killua reaches the top barely a second before Gon. He grins a victorious grin. “I win again.” He looks around at their soon-to-be campsite, and wonder sparkles in his eyes.

They’re atop a cliff guarding miles of forest below, and a sliver of a crescent-moon shaped beach stretching into a burning orange ocean. The sun is a ball of fire slowly sinking into the horizon, setting drifting clouds ablaze with red, pink, and gold.

“Nice, right?” Gon chuckles. “I found this spot a few months back. Nobody ever comes up here. Listen, you can even hear the waves from here.”

They set up the tent on the grass, and make a campfire using sticks and rocks from the forest they came through.

Sitting in front of the fire, Gon tells Killua about losing his Nen, and his Nen coming back full force and more uncontrollable than ever. “I even left the island and found Wing. I was hoping he’d help me train, instead he just gave me exercises and sent me right back here.” He tells Killua about the meditations, and the exercises he needs to do every day.

Killua looks contemplative as he listens, and when Gon finishes, he nods knowingly. “Makes sense, I guess. This seems like the perfect place to do this kind of training.”

They open the cooling basket Mito gave them, and eat.

Killua ignores the sandwiches and only eats a few sweet snacks.

Gon looks at the pile of sandwiches left inside the cooling basket, then at raises an eyebrow at Killua. “Aren’t you hungry?”

“Nah, I’m good with this. Damn, I’ve missed your aunt’s cookies. You gotta mail me some later.”

“I overheard Alluka asking Mito to teach her how to make them, though. You probably won’t need me to send you any.”

“We don’t have access to a kitchen that often. Please send me some every week.”

“What?” Gon nearly chokes on a bite of sandwich. “Every week?”

“Just kidding.” Killua smirks. “Every two weeks is acceptable.”

As they finish eating, and Killua tells another story of his and Alluka’s travels, the fire-ball sun is swallowed by the ocean, and a carpet of stars begin to twinkle in the sky.

Their laughter and familiar banter fades out, and something shifts in the energy between them. The lighthearted atmosphere gives way for a silent, anticipatory tension.

Killua stands up and stretches his arms above his head. “I have to pee. Be right back.” He strides to the edge of the forest next to the tent, and slinks into the darkness under the trees.

Nerves come back to chew at Gon again. They are going to do it soon, aren’t they? The tent is up, they’ve eaten. There’s nothing left. They could play games but...Gon wants to have as much time as possible to do this. He doesn’t want to rush. He wants to make it good. The blog said it was best to take your time the first time.

He pours water from one of their water bottles over the flames and puts out the fire, then crawls inside the tent and sets up an oil-lamp in the corner. The dark-golden light from the lamp dances on the bark-brown tent walls, and fills the tent with warm hues, like a small fire inside a cave. Gon’s shadow is large on the tent wall, and probably visible from the outside.

He unrolls their beddings, and pushes them together to make a sort of double bed. He unrolls their sleeping bags on top of the bedding, unzips them, and spreads them out like bedsheets, then puts a thick cotton blanket on top. He pats their makeshift bed. It’s not a five-star hotel, or even close to Gon’s bed back at the house, but the beddings are cushion-soft, and the sleeping bags on top add another layer of comfort. Normally, Gon has no problem sleeping directly on the ground in nothing but a sleeping bag, feeling the compact earth under his back through the sleeping bag, but this isn’t just a simple night of camping. This night is different.

The tent’s entrance rustles, and Killua comes into the tent. “What’s with the lamp?”

Gon turns around, and sits down on top of the sleeping bags. “I thought it would be nice if we don’t have to hold flashlights all night.”

Killua places himself next to Gon, his bare knee touching Gon’s. His hair looks silken-blond in the light from the oil-lamp. “I haven’t used a flashlight to see in the dark since I was five.”

Gon sticks his tongue out at him. “I just meant it’s nice to have light, you know, for the mood and stuff.”

Killua looks a bit surprised by that. “Right…” He looks at the tent wall with a faraway look in his eyes. “The mood and stuff…”

Gon hears a whisper of a thumping heart—Killua’s heart. It’s beating slightly faster. A whiff salty fear comes off Killua, like he’s bracing himself for a fight. His jaw is tense, and the knee touching Gon’s is cold.

“Killua?” Gon speaks carefully, and looks at Killua’s face. “Are you nervous?”

Killua’s fingers play stiffly with the hems of his shorts. “Somewhat.”

“Let’s start with a kiss,” Gon says, because it’s the only thing he can think of.

Killua looks at Gon. His eyes look sapphire-blue in the low lighting. “Okay.” He shifts closer to Gon, and his gaze falls heavily on Gon’s lips. Slowly, as though he’s about to dip into cold water, he leans his head closer until their mouths are but a breath apart.

Gon closes the gap, and their lips push together with a bit more force than expected. Gon feels Killua’s front teeth against his top lip.

Killua lessens the pressure against Gon’s mouth. His feather-soft lips tremble slightly.

Killua won’t like it if Gon comments on this, so Gon simply softens the kiss even further. He breaks the kiss slowly, and reaches for the bottom of Killua’s shirt. “Can I...?” He gives it a light tugs upwards.

Killua’s cheeks are apple-pink. He nods, and raises his arms and allows Gon to pull the shirt over his head.

Gon drops the shirt next to the sleeping bags, and takes in the view of Killua’s exposed chest.

Killua is all slender, well contoured muscles, and smooth, creamy skin. Above his navel, there’s a round scar the size of the flat end of a pencil.

Gon can’t remember seeing such a scar on Killua before. He’s gripped with a burning urge to touch it, and feel the mark on the porcelain skin under his hands.

But before Gon can do anything, Killua reaches for the buttons on Gon’s shirt, and stops with his hands hovering just above the buttons. “Can I?”

Gon nods eagerly.

Killua’s hands fumble a bit with the first button, and Gon detects tiny trembles in his hands while he unbuttons the rest. He slides Gon’s shirt off his shoulders and lets it fall to the floor. Killua’s gaze roams Gon’s bare chest like a cat staring at a bucket of fish. The pink tip of his tongue licks the side of his bottom lip. He looks up at Gon’s face, first his eyes, then sliding down to his lips. He leans in for a kiss.

Gon meets him halfway, and they kiss again. It’s tender, yet firm. Gon’s fingers itch to touch Killua’s bare skin, and he reaches out.

But Killua breaks the kiss, and scoots back a little before Gon’s hands reach his waist. “I’ll take these off.” He zips down his shorts and smoothly wriggles out of them. He’s in his underwear—black briefs with white stars along the waistband.

Gon stares. His heart beats a merry-rhythm in anticipation. The briefs’s star pattern suits Killua somehow.

Killua’s face is cherry-crimson. He wriggles under the blanket atop the sleeping bags. He shifts around for a bit, and then his underwear slips out from underneath the blanket.

Gon’s pulse speeds up even further, and a wave of heat floods his entire body. Killua is entirely nude under the covers. And it’s not a daydream.

Killua pulls the blanket up past his mouth as though he’s trying to cover up his adorably deep red cheeks, and looks away from Gon’s gaze. “You coming in here or...?”

“Oh, ah, yeah. Hold on a sec.” Gon takes off his shorts and swiftly pulls down his underwear as well. He can feel Killua’s sharp cat-gaze on him. He straightens up and looks at Killua.

Killua has his head turned away, but he’s watching Gon from the corners of his eyes, and his face is an even deeper shade of red.

He doesn’t mind Killua watching him. In fact he feels a surge of satisfaction knowing Killua likes to look at him. He crawls under the covers next to Killua and settles on his side. “I don’t mind, you know.”

“What?” Killua blinks, and scoots a little back to give Gon more room.

“You looking at me. I don’t mind it.” Gon smiles bashfully. “I actually kind of like it.” He wiggles a little next to Killua, carefully avoiding touching him for now.

The corner’s of Killua’s lips quirk up. “Then why don’t you give me a strip show?”

“Do you want me to?” Gon starts pulling back the covers. “I can go put my clothes back on.”

Killua grabs Gon’s arm and halts him. “No, Gon, that...that was a joke.” Killua sighs and licks his lips. “Maybe some other time—or something. But let’s just…stay here and...you know…” He averts his gaze, and lightly gnaws on his bottom lip.

Gon nods. “Okay. Yeah.” Gon drapes the covers back over his shoulders. It’s warm, and comforting even though they’re both nude. That’s right. They’re nude. Killua is lying next to him, only a few inches away, completely nude. Heat shoots straight down into Gon’s crotch at the thought. It’s completely different from when they were kids. He wants to touch, to explore, to feel Killua. But first he has to be sure they’re both on the same page. He knows Killua isn’t always honest about his feelings, and Gon is not about to violate the most important rule of sex according to the blog. Consent. “Killua, do you want to do this?”

Killua stares at him with a hint of surprise. “Isn’t that a bit late to ask now?”

“I just need to know. It’s important. If you don’t want to anymore then tell me, okay?”

“If I didn’t want to, I’d just leave.” Killua sends Gon a look that says clearly stop asking.

“Okay.” Gon nods to himself, deciding to take Killua’s word for it, because there’s a strange itch to do something with Killua, and he wants to scratch it badly. “So then...ah... Should we kiss again?”

Killua nods. He wriggles a bit closer, still holding Gon’s arm in a gentle grip, as though anchoring himself. His leans his face towards Gon’s, and his eyes flutter shut.

Gon meets Killua’s lips tentatively at first, as though it’s their first kiss, then presses a bit firmer.

Killua’s mouth opens, and he swipes the tip of his tongue along Gon’s bottom lip.

A hum stirs in Gon’s throat, and he parts his lips, letting Killua take the lead.

Killua’s tongue slips into Gon’s mouth and meets Gon’s tongue in a slow, heated dance.

Heat shivers down Gon’s entire body. Killua tastes like sugar-water and Mito’s cookies. Gon’s feels like butterflies are fluttering under his skin. Killua is close, but still too far away. And Gon needs to be closer, needs to feel more. He breaks contact, and his voice sits low in throat, almost reduced to breaths. “Can I touch you?”

Killua’s eyes are a little unfocused, and his lips are grape-pink. “Yeah,” he says softly.

Gon nudges closer until their chests are a dime apart, and he seals their lips again. He runs a hand up and down Killua’s side. Killua’s body radiates heat like a well-fed campfire under Gon’s hand. he feels the dips of muscles formed by unrelenting training, and the goosebumps and little hairs standing up on Killua’s skin. He breaks away from Killua’s lips, pants into Killua’s mouth. “Is this okay?”

Killua shivers. “Yeah, it’s fine”

Gon smiles. “Touch me too,” he whispers against Killua’s lips.

Killua slowly touches Gon’s waist with his fingertips like he’s testing the temperature of a lake in springtime.

It’s a hair’s breath away from tickling, and Gon leans up into Killua’s touch, giving him silent permission to touch more.

Killua breathes against Gon’s lips, and presses his palm fully onto Gon’s waist. He strokes from Gon’s ribs to his back slowly, as though he’s not sure he’s doing the right thing.

Small electric shivers sizzles up and down Gon’s back just under his skin. A moan slips between his lips. He leans forward presses his mouth against Killua’s again.

Their bodies are so close. Heat pulses between their chests. Their lips move against each other languorously.

Gon curls back a bit, puts his hand flat against Killua’s chest, and moves it down across Killua’s stomach. He is barely aware one of his legs slips between Killua’ legs. He feels the small scar under his palm, and lingers on it for a second before slipping his hand even lower. He keeps moving until his fingers brush smooth hairs, and he stops. His heart beats a little harder, and something like a pleasant electric current rushes through his veins and down between his legs. It takes him a couple of seconds to find his voice. “Can I...touch you here?”

Killua shudders a little, and his breathing deepens. “...Yeah.”

Gon slides his hand down past the smooth hairs. His fingers touch silky soft skin—the base. Killua is already very hard. Tentatively, he wraps two fingers around it. He rests his thumb on the underside, and gives it a little squeeze.

Killua lets out a weak gasp.

“Hang on. Let me get something.” Gon turns around, reaches into the backpack next to the sleeping bags. He rummages around for a bit until he finds the tube of lube. “Got it.” He turns back to Killua and holds it up to show him. He pops open the cap and squirts some lube onto his fingers. It’s cool, and clear, like thick vegetable oil, with a scent like slightly sweetened water. “This will make things better.” He puts the lube away behind his back next to their makeshift bed. Carefully, reaches his lubed hand down under the blanket, wraps his slick fingers around Killua’s shaft, and begins to stroke up and down the full length.

Killua’s breathing deepens and he moans quietly. His hips jerk and rocks forward into Gon’s hand, as though asking for more.

“Is this good, Killua?”

Killua closes his eyes tightly and nods.

Gon wraps his entire hand around Killua and applies more pressure. He deliberately strokes from base to tip, the lube making it slick and easy. He takes note of how Killua feels in his hand, of the veins, and the smoothness of the skin. Similar to his own, yet different.

Killua’s fingers dig a little into Gon’s hip. Quiet whimpers spill from his mouth between puffing breaths. He dips his chin down and hides his face leaning into Gon’s shoulder.

Gon is a little disappointed. He wants to see Killua’s face. He adjusts his wrist and quickens the pace of his hand.

A quiet, quivering moan is drawn from Killua, and his body shudders. He grabs Gon’s wrist and stops Gon’s movements. His voice comes out breathy. “W—wait. L—let me do it too.” His gaze darts downward for barely a second. He leans over Gon and grabs the lube. He pours a large drop on one hand, and lightly tosses the lube back behind Gon. Without making eye contact with Gon, he breathes out, and moves his hand down under the blanket. His fingers gently wrap around Gon, and he begins to stroke.

Gon gasps. He isn’t sure what he was expecting, and he’s surprised how different it feels to have someone else’s hand around him like this. Killua’s hand is hot on him. He is already hard and sensitive from Killua’s earlier display, and pleasure instantly surges through his hips from Killua’s touch.

Killua brushes his thumb around the flared edge, and then the tip.

Hot pleasure spills through Gon’s. Shudders race down his back. His eyes close and he moans Killua’s name.

Killua’s hand stills suddenly for a second, then he tightens his hold and strokes a little faster.

It feels too good. Gon won’t last long like this, and he doesn’t want it to end yet. With a spurt of willpower he takes hold of Killua’s wrist, and stops him.

Killua looks up at Gon with dazed eyes, and a confused expression.

Gon gently guides Killua’s hand off him. “Let’s do it together.” He pushes his hips closer to Killua’s, and feels Killua’s silky smooth length brush up against his own. His brain almost melts. The closeness feels so intimate. He never imagined he could experience anything this amazing. And he is doing it with Killua. He looks at Killua’s face, Killua’s lips, and leans in for a kiss that is sloppier than he means. He takes both of their shafts in hand and starts stroking both with one hand.

Killua quietly whimpers. He puts his hand on Gon’s hip, and dips his chin to hide his face again.

Gon groans. “Killua, lo—look at me...”

Killua looks up at Gon’s face. Killua’s entire face is flushed heated-purple, and his eyes are glazed like wet glass.

Gon swoops in for a kiss, and his mouth lands on the side of Killua’s.

Killua adjusts his head and meets Gon’s mouth clumsily. A raw moan comes from the back of his throat, and he opens his mouths and breathes deeply. “I—I’m—”

“Me too.” Gon moves his hand faster, and within only a few more strokes the pleasure boils over. His body curves towards Killua. A deep moan comes up his throat, and warm wetness spills over his fingers. But he can’t stop yet. Not until Killua finishes. He keeps his hand moving without any sense of rhythm.

A long, breathy whine comes from Killua’s mouth, and he hides his face against Gon’s shoulder. His hand claws at Gon’s hip, and his entire body shudders. More wetness spills over Gon’s fingers.

Gon gives a few more slow strokes, then slowly lets go. He isn’t terribly out of breath, but he can’t help but breathe deeply. He’s not sure what to do with his wet and sticky hand, but his mind is a bit too blank for him to think of anything except the warmth of Killua’s body against his. He absently wipes his hand on the blanket and adds a mental note to flip it around later.

Killua breathes against Gon’s shoulder for a while. His hand on Gon’s hip goes slack.

“Killua?” Gon bows his head in an attempt to look at Killua’s face. his mouth ends up in Killua’s hair instead, and he can’t see Killua’s face. “Are you okay?”

Killua doesn’t look up. Instead, he mumbles against Gon’s skin. “M’fine.”

Killua’s hair is cloud-soft against Gon’s mouth and chin. Gon wants to comb through the messy tufts. His clean hand is trapped between their bodies, and he doesn’t think Killua will appreciate Gon’s sticky hand touching his hair. So instead, Gon blows out a breath into Killua’s hair.

Killua makes a quiet, content moan.

Gon’s entire chest feels like a summer’s day. He has trouble processing what they just did together. He’s never experienced this kind of wonderful closeness with anyone. For a few moments, he doesn’t move. He feels Killua’s body heat, and listens to both of their heartbeats. He doesn’t want it to end. He thinks maybe they moved too fast. There’s a tightness in his belly at the thought of it being over already. He wants more. “Killua, do you maybe…want to do more?”

The scent of salty sweat and something enticing rolls off Killua. Killua moves a bit back so he can look at Gon’s face. His eyes are half-mast and midnight-blue, darker than Gon thought possible. “More?” His voice is low and slightly breathy.

Gon nods. “I want to do more.” He looks into Killua’s eyes, searching for something though he doesn’t know what exactly. “If you want to.”

Killua’s gaze moves down, and he appears to be thinking for a few seconds. “Yeah, okay.”

Gon leans forward, and takes him into a slow kiss.

Killua languidly kisses back with parted lips.

They kiss slowly for a while, open mouths, and tongues touching tentatively, as though they’re getting to know each other. There’s heat, but it’s not overwhelming with rushing excitement like before. They barely break apart to breathe, and their breaths mingle, hot on their lips.

Gon runs his palm down Killua’s back, feeling the wiry, compact muscles under his skin. Killua’s skin is smooth, but Gon feels small ridges, tiny, old scars on Killua’s back. A faded map of the past. For a moment Gon wants to ask what made them, but something like instinct tells him it’s not the right time for such questions.

Killua’s hand smooths up and down Gon’s side, gentle as though he’s touching something fragile. His hand dips just below Gon’s hipbones.

Something primal and full of need, like a hunger wakes up inside Gon, and he feels himself filling and harden again. Smoothly, he lifts himself up on his hands under the blanket, breaking the kiss in the process, and leans on all fours over Killua.

Killua blinks up at him, a hint of confusion in his glazed eyes.

Gon leans his head down and starts kissing him again, deeper. One of his legs is between Killua’s thighs. Gon lowers himself against Killua, and feels the hardness of Killua’s erection against his pelvis. He’s happy Killua is just as ready for more as he is. He shifts so his erection presses up against Killua’s, and before he’s even thought of doing it, his hips are moving, grounding down against Killua’s.

A little moan sound hums from Killua’s throat. His hands comes up and grips Gon’s shoulders, and his hips gently bucks up and meets Gon’s.

Friction and pleasure pulse inside Gon like a second heartbeat. He’s enveloped in heat, and sweating. Killua’s chest feels damp against his own. The feeling of Killua moving against him, body pressed flushed against his own, is overwhelming and wonderful. But there’s a strange tightness in his heart. Their bodies are pressed fully against each other, skin to skin, and yet it’s not enough. Not close enough. He needs Killua closer.

His mind plays the images from the blog through his mind’s eye like a slideshow. One image remains strong, one specific act—the closest and most intimate of acts. Gon immediately knows he wants it. He breaks away from Killua’s lips, his mouth wet. He forces his hips to stop moving as he doesn’t want to finish as fast as he did earlier. There are still things he wants to do, things he doesn’t know how to ask for. He holds himself up on his forearms and looks down at Killua’s face.

Killua’s parted lips are slightly swollen, and shining wet. His hair seems messier than usual. He looks dazed and undone.

Gon wants to make him more undone. He wants to become as close to him as possible. To feel him in every way. It sends butterflies into his stomach just thinking about it. It seems almost too much too fast. But he still wants it.

“Gon?” Killua whispers.

Gon can’t quite find his voice and the words come out slightly hoarse. “I want to be closer.” He presses a tender kiss to the side of Killua’s throat. “I want to do more.” He kisses Killua’s collarbone. “Let’s go all the way, Killua,” he whispers above Killua’s damp skin.

“All the way?”

“Yeah. I want to…” Gon breathes against Killua’s collarbone, then lifts his head up and looks deep into Killua’s eyes. “I want to be inside you.”

Killua stares up at him, body frozen underneath Gon’s. A wild-cherry blush rushes all the way down his neck. He shifts a little, and turns his head to the side. “That’s…”

“You don’t want to?” Gon tries to keep any disappointment out of his voice, but some comes through anyway. He doesn’t know when he’ll ever have Killua like this again, right here with him, just the two of them. He wants to make this as special and close as possible. But if Killua doesn’t want to, then Gon will respect it.

Killua is silent for several seconds, staring off to the side. His throat moves as he swallows. “I know you bought that stuff earlier but…” He looks at Gon from the corners of his eyes. “Do you really know how to…?”

Gon nods. “I know lots. I read about it on a blog. And there were pictures and videos. So…can we…?” His heart is beating so loudly he’s sure Killua can hear it. “I’ll do my best to make it good even though I don’t have lots of experience.”

After a few silent seconds, Killua puts a hand on the back of Gon’s neck, and draws Gon downward.

Gon isn’t sure why Killua is doing it, but he lets himself be pulled down until his cheek is pressed to the side of Killua’s neck like they’re hugging.

“Okay,” Killua says gently.

Gon feels Killua’s heartbeats reverberate through his own chest. He lifts his face from Killua’s neck. He is about to give Killua a smile when the hand on his neck pushes him down again, and his lips meet Killua’s in a surprisingly soft kiss. Gon kisses Killua back for a few moments, then breaks the kiss and grins down at him. “We need the lube again.” He grabs the lube from next to the backpack.

Killua’s gaze is locked on the tube of lube in Gon’s hand. A waft of adrenaline comes off him, and his heart beats more audibly.

“Are you ready?” Gon asks.

After a second, Killua nods, His expression calm. “Let’s do it.”

Gon puts the lube down at Killua’s side, and shuffles back under the blanket and climbs back over Killua. He puts one leg, then the other, between Killua’s thighs.

Killua spreads his legs a little more to give Gon room. His mouth set in a tight line, and he fixes his gaze on the tent’s ceiling.

Gon leans forward and plants a kiss on Killua’s chin.

That gets Killua’s attention back and his gaze meets Gon’s.

“It’ll be okay, Killua.” Gon kisses his cheek. “If it feels bad, you can just kick me or something.”

Killua doesn’t say anything, instead he leans up and kisses Gon on the mouth.

Gon softly kisses back, then smiles against Killua’s mouth. “I’m really happy I’m doing this with you.” He presses a kiss to the side of Killua’s mouth, and tenderly brushes his hand down Killua’s stomach.

Even under the heat of the blanket, goosebumps erupt across Killua’s skin, and Gon feels a tiny shudder go through Killua’s body.

Gon sits up on his knees between Killua’s legs.

The blanket slides down Gon’s back and falls to his hips.  
Killua’s body is exposed to the low, golden glow from the gas lamp. Killua’s chest and belly is flushed soft pink. He bears no visible scars, apart from the mark above his navel. Gon’s gaze slide from killua’s stomach to his hips, and further down. The hairs on his crotch are silver-blond, only a couple of shades darker than the hair on his head. His erection curves up and rests on his lower belly. Even there his skin is light, flushed pink, and the head grape-lolly purple.

A thick, potent, and slightly salty-sweet scent makes Gon’s head feel hot. He leans down and softly kisses right under Killua’s navel.

Killua audibly inhales through his mouth.

Gon sits back up and grabs the lube. He squeezes a wad of lightly chilled lube onto his fingers. The instructions about preparations from the blog comes to mind, and his pulse speeds up. This is happening. He is actually doing this with Killua. He looks at Killua’s face. “We have to prepare, right?”

Killua simply looks at him, expression unreadable. His lips move as though he’s chewing the inside of his bottom lip, and he nods. “Yeah, I know…”

Gon thinks of the blog posts, and knowing what he needs to do next gives him a boost of confidence. He will be able to make Killua comfortable. “Can you spread your legs a bit more?”

The red hue across Killua’s face darkens even more. His gaze darts away from Gon to nothing in particular. “Um, right.” Killua bends his knees, turns his head to the side, and slowly spreads his thighs further apart. “Is this… alright?”

“I think so.”

The lowest part of Killua’s body is cast in shadow, and Gon can’t see much, but he doesn’t need to. He reaches down and lets his fingers find where they need. He gently smears the lube on the tightly puckered muscles.

Killua lies still like a doll. Only his chest rises and falls with his breaths.

Gon puts his index finger at the center of the muscle ring. “I’m putting one finger in now, okay?”

Killua’s voice is breathy. “Yeah.”

“Just relax. That’s important.” Gon remembers the blog posts, and like the blog specified, he presses inside with the pad of his finger.

Killua opens up for him, and Gon’s finger slides in easily with the lube, slowly all the way to the second joint. Gon let’s out a breath of astonishment. It’s incredibly hot, and soft. He’s touching Killua in a way he’s never touched him before. He’s touching inside Killua. “Is this okay?”

Killua’s head is still turned to the side, his eyes half-lidded. “S’fine…”

Gon presses a kiss to the inside of Killua’s thigh, and slowly moves his finger around, feeling nothing but smooth, squishy heat. He trails kisses down the inside of Killua’s thigh and listens to Killua’s deepening breathing. After a few moments, he takes out his finger, and looks up. “I’m going to put in two fingers. Is that okay?”

Killua’s eyes are closed, and he nods. His heart audibly pumps a little harder.

“I need you to say it. I need you to tell me it’s okay.”

Killua opens his eyes and meets Gon’s gaze. “It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“I told you, it’s fine. Why do you need me to say it?”

“Because I want to be sure you want this too.” Gon crawls over Killua so his face is directly above Killua’s. He needs Killua to understand how serious he is. He looks straight into Killua’s eyes. “It’s not fun if you don’t want to. And I don’t want to do something you don’t like. I know I’m selfish sometimes, but I want us both to have fun.”

Killua’s eyes are slightly wider than normal, pupils swallowing his sapphire irises, and he holds Gon’s stare. “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t okay with this. It’s just…” His gaze slides to the side. “Awkward.”

Gon’s voice softens. “Why?”

Killua doesn’t meet his gaze. “I don’t know.”

“It’s just us, Killua. It’s just you and me. It’s okay.” He gingerly kisses Killua on the cheek, and trails small kisses that are no more than a touch of lips from Killua’s cheek to the sides of his mouth. When Gon lifts his head, Killua is looking directly at him again. Slowly, Gon kisses Killua’s lips and tastes a touch of something sultry.

Killua’s heartbeats slowls down a little, and the slightly stiff energy between them melts into something soothing. Killua softly kiss back and slowly strokes his hands up and down Gon’s sides.

Gon deepens the kiss, then breaks it and kisses Killua’s chin. He presses firm kisses down Killua’s chest, belly, and slides his hands from Killua’s knees down his thighs, leaving a wet trail from his lube-covered fingers. He lifts his head and meets Killua’s half-lidded gaze. Gon lick his lips and tastes the salt of Killua’s sweat there, and finds the taste strangely enticing. “Do you want to?”

Killua breathes out through his mouth before he answers. “Yeah…”

Gon pours more lube onto his index and middle finger, puts the two fingers against the tight muscles, then slowly pushes them into Killua. The ring of muscles are tight around Gon’s fingers, much tighter than with one finger.

Killua tenses a little, but once again pushes out, easing the fingers’ passage.

Gon checks Killua’s face. “Are you okay?”

Killua nods, but doesn’t meet Gon’s eyes. There’s a tension between his brows, and a light sheen of sweat glitter on his forehead.

“Just relax, okay.” Gon moves his fingers as gently as possible. The blog made stretching out the muscles seem much easier than this. It’s so tight Gon wonders whether it will even be possible. He strokes the softness inside, hoping that might feel good to Killua. He remembers a blog post that mentioned a spot that was supposed to feel really good. He feels around, trying to remember as much as possible about how to find it. He pushes his fingers a bit further in, presses upwards, and feels around a bit until he feels a bump the size of an almond against the pads of his fingers. That’s it. He gently brushes back and forth against it.

Killua shudders, his head turning to the side. His eyes close tight, and he makes a small noise at the back of his throat.

Gon stops what he’s doing. “Was that good?”

Killua’s eyes remain closed, lips shut tight. He nods twice.

A wave of delight courses through Gon at that. He keeps stroking, alternating the pressure, and watches Killua carefully.

Killua shudders. His legs twitch. He makes strained sounds in the back of his throat while his mouth is clamped shut, as though preventing himself from making noise.

Gon doesn’t understand why Killua is holding back. There’s nobody else around for miles to hear him. There’s only forest, and animals that would not dare approach their tent. But he doesn’t say anything. Right now, making Killua comfortable is more important. He alternates between stroking against the bump he now remembers is called a prostate, and parting his fingers, stretching the tight muscles.

Gon gives Killua kisses to his thighs, wraps his free hand around Killua’s erection and strokes it lazily.

Killua’s heart beats fast, like it would during a good spar. His belly tenses, and sometimes he makes a noise like a strained moan deep inside his throat, but his lips remain sealed tight, holding the sounds in.

Gon’s erection, which dwindled a bit during his concentration, stirs again at the sight of Killua, and the feeling of the hot tightness around his fingers. This is how it will feel inside… He feels a hot rush through his his entire body, and a throbbing between his legs. When the ring of muscles feel pliant and more relaxed, Gon wonders if he should try a third finger. The blog said it wasn’t always necessary. He decides to ask how Killua feels about it. He stops moving his fingers, and stops stroking Killua’s length. “Do you think you’re ready ?”

Killua parts his lips, and his breath comes out deep. “Just do it.”

Now Gon’s heart speeds up. “Okay.” He remembers the condoms, and reaches inside the backpack and fishes out a wrap. “We need this, right?” He tears it open and pauses. He’s never put on a condom before, and although he’s read about how to do it, he wishes he had practiced beforehand. He takes the rolled up condom out of the packet and holds it up towards the light. It’s slick and slightly slippery to the touch. After he sees which way it’s rolled, he pinches the tip of it, and uses the other hand to slide it down his shaft. The sparks of pleasure from touching himself leaves his pulse racing, and his hormones on fire.

The feeling of having the condom on is strange, and reminds him loosely of plastic wrap to preserve leftover food. The condom’s exterior is already slippery with lube, but Gon puts on a drop more anyway just to be safe. He coats more lube on Killua before he puts the lube back next to the backpack.

Gon scoots forward a bit and leans half his body over Killua’s. “Can you spread your legs more?”

Killua does without meeting Gon’s gaze. Killua’s heart is racing, and the scent of adrenaline is back on him, but it’s not alone. There’s also a muskier, tantalizing scent that swims into Gon’s head.

Gon leans over Killua and gives him a firm, determined kiss on the lips, then sits back. He takes himself in hand, and lines himself up, touching the tip against the ring of muscles. “Ready?”

Killua nods, his gaze on the tent ceiling again.

Thump, thump thump. Gon’s heart beats merrily. He presses forward. He feels Killua push out against him, opening up, but even after all the preparation it’s still incredibly tight. And slippery. Gon concentrates on holding himself in place, and pushes in with a spurt of force. The head swiftly slips in.

Killua jumps a little. His eyes scrunch shut, and his mouth opens with a sharp intake of breath. His hands grip the sleeping bags at his sides in tight fists.

Shit, that must have hurt. “I’m sorry Killua, I didn’t mean to do it like that. Are you okay?” Gon puts his hands down on the sleeping bags on either side of Killua’s waist for support, and leans over Killua as far as he dares without pushing further inside.

Killua lets out a slow breath, and opens his eyes. “It’s fine.” As he looks at Gon, there’s tension on his face, but also a tender, slightly strained smile on his lips. Sweat glistens on his flushed cheeks and neck. He reaches up and gently caresses Gon’s cheek with a steady hand. “Keep going.”

Gon’s heart skips a beat, and the warmth flowing into his chest feels more tender than heat of excitement. “Okay.” He pushes deeper inside, into heat like he’s never felt before, and pleasure melts into his hips. He gasps out a moan. He’s never felt anything so amazing. He’s a little more than halfway in when the memories of the blog posts makes him stop to catch his breath. It feels so good—too good. His mind is blanking. Burning pleasure throbs and urges him to bury himself fully inside. But he fights it. He needs to make sure Killua is doing alright. He leans down and meets Killua’s mouth. The kiss is a little clumsy, but sweet.

Killua swipes his tongue on Gon’s bottom lip and his breath washes over Gon’s mouth.

Gon pulls back, his back rising and falling with his deep breaths. “Is it okay if I move now?”

“Yeah,” Killua rasps.

Gon starts moving his hips slowly, and as gently as he possibly can, not wanting to hurt Killua more than he already did. The pleasure is unlike anything he’s ever imagined, and he’s glad they used their hands earlier, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to last long.

Killua’s breathing is deep, and comes out in short bursts, as though he’s been running hours. One of his hands buries into Gon’s hair at the back of Gon’s head.

Gon tries to think of the blog post about finding that sweet spot again, and tries to remember where he felt it with his fingers, but the silken heat enveloping him makes his mind melt and an animal instinct growl inside him. He kisses Killua on the mouth again, hoping to ground himself, but it only makes his instincts roar, and he has to break the kiss. When he locks gazes with Killua, surprise overshadows the urges.

There are tears shining at the brims of Killua’s eyes.

“You’re crying.” Gon instantly regrets his words. Killua won’t like Gon pointing that out. He is dimly aware, as far as he remembers, this is the first time he has seen tears spring from Killua’s eyes. “Does it hurt?”

“I’m not crying.” Killua looks away and makes a sound between a whine and possibly a sob. “I’m trained to endure torture. Pain doesn’t—doesn’t make me cry.”

“Then why—”

“Just—shut up.” Killua cups the sides of Gon’s head, and kisses him open-mouthed.

Gon kisses back clumsily, meeting Killua’s exploring tongue, and moves his hips a little harder, the angle a little different from before, and he thinks he feels himself brush against that almond-sized bump.

Killua breaks the kiss with a breathy moan.

“Was that good?” Gon repeats the thrust, trying to feel himself hitting the sweet spot. In the smooth, soft, wonderful heat, there’s definitely a small bump. “Did you like that?”

This time Killua whines, and his eyes scrunch shut. He nods twice, and wraps his arms around Gon’s neck and pulls him closer.

“I’ll make you feel good.” Gon thrusts up in that same angle again, and finds a rhythm that’s neither too fast nor too slow. The honey-thick pleasure pools in his hips and the tops of his thighs, and he fights down every urge to lose himself completely.

Killua’s hips are moving, and his moans are muffled, closed inside his throat.

Gon wants more and more to make Killua’s trapped moans come out. Bit by bit, Gon’s hips move faster, soaking in sparkling, throbbing ecstasy, and chasing more until his self-control are held by a thin thread. As long as he’s bringing pleasure to Killua too, everything is fine. His eyes close. He let’s himself drop over the edge, and instincts take over. Gon feels moans and groans rumbling up his throat between his hard breaths.

Killua reaches one hand between them and touches himself.

Moans and panting fill the tent, and Gon can make out Killua’s voice between his own. Killua’s moans are higher, and soft like whines, and when Gon gives a hard thrust, Killua makes a loud, watery moan.

Gon’s chest feels like it’s about to burst, like there’s too much rolling emotion inside him. He’s as close to Killua as he’s ever been, and yet it’s somehow not enough. He presses hard, almost desperate kisses to Killua’s throat. “Killua—!” His voice feels far away, and too full of breaths and moans. “Killua!” His hips are moving beyond his control now, his body chasing pleasure even when his heart feels like it’s burning.

“G—Gon.” Killua sounds like he’s crying. He has one hand around Gon’s neck, his fingertips dig into the muscles at the back of Gon’s shoulder in a way that’s not quite painful, yet not comfortable.

“Killua I—!” Electric shivers shoot up Gon’s back to the back of his head. His thighs throb. White, Sizzling pleasure pours through him. He’s so close he can’t hold on anymore. The heavy feeling in his chest mixes with the pleasure, and it’s too much. “I—Ah—I,” the words tumble out of his mouth, “love you. ”

There’s a shaking sob, but it doesn’t come from Gon’s throat.

The pleasure spills over, and Gon comes undone. His climax is like a tidal wave going up his body. Something releases inside his chest, and lightens it, leaving behind a fluttery tingling, like a ray of sunshine. He keeps moving his hips until he’s completely spent.

Killua’s hand pumps fast between their stomachs. Killua’s breath hitches, and a wet whine spills from him.

Wetness splatters between them, some of it hits Gon’s belly, and Gon doesn’t mind. His body feels floaty and heavy at the same time. He lies on top of Killua, breathing against Killua’s neck.

Killua’s hand is trapped between them, and Killua yanks it free. He wraps both his arms around Gon’s neck, then nuzzles his face into the crook of Gon’s throat.

Their bodies are hot, slick with sweat, and there are wet patches between their bellies, but Gon feels comfortable, and he thinks there is no other place he’d rather be than here with Killua. He’s still inside Killua, feeling Killua’s heartbeats from inside. They’re connected, pieces of their souls melted together. Gon wishes they could stay like this forever.

The tent is quiet but for their breaths. The forest outside silent but for the distant whirring of grasshoppers, and a couple of tooting owls.

Gon’s head is sleep-fogged when he feels a tap on his shoulder.

“Gon?” Killua whispers next to Gon’s ear.

Gon lifts his head from Kilua’s shoulder, then lifts himself up on his forearms.

There’s a deep pink color like after hours of training, on Killua’s glistening cheeks. There’s no tension in his face. He looks sleepy, and a few strands of his fringe stick to his forehead. He smiles softly, his eyes shining wet like a night-river.

Gon plants a soft kiss on Killua’s cheek, and nuzzles his neck. He feels like he might fall asleep any second, and the thought is inviting, but his sweat is cooling on his back and he wants the blanket back over him. And he’s still inside Killua too… He lifts himself up on his arms and pulls out from the warmth of Killua’s body.

Killua shivers, and makes a little sound in the back of his throat.

Gon slides the condom off, and ties the end up like he would a balloon full of air. It’s sticky. He looks around for a place to put it, but realizes he didn’t bring anything to put it in. He settles for the front pocket of his backpack, and he grimaces. He’ll have to clean that later. He grabs the blanket, and plops down next to Killua. He drapes the blanket over both of them, rolls onto his side, and slips an arm over Killua’s chest.

Killua looks at him. His smile is gone, and it its place is a more serene expression. There’s a soft look in his half-lidded eyes Gon has never seen before, like relief after a storm.

Gon smiles at killua, and even his face feels tired. His body feels a thousand pounds heavier, and his eyes close. He kisses Killua’s shoulder gently, and decides he loves kissing Killua everywhere. He would like to keep doing it, but feels himself slip into nothingness.

***

When Gon wakes, soft dawn light is dusting the tent, and the space next to Gon is empty.

Killua is gone.

Gon’s pulse jumps a bit, and he sits up. Killua’s scent hangs heavy in the tent with Gon’s, the salty tang of sweat, deodorant, and something foggy and primal. Killua must have gone outside even though the tent flap is zipped closed. Gon looks around and spots his clothes in a heap next to the sleeping bags where he discarded them last night. He dresses fast and slips outside.

The sun is just starting to peek over the horizon of the sea, and bathes the forest below the cliff in threads of earth-gold.

Killua is nowhere to be seen, but his scent trail is clear.

Gon follows Killua’s scent into the forest behind the tent. He silently hops from mossy rock to mossy rock down the hill they came up last evening. A fine-silver mist glides between the trees, and clogs the treetops. There are no birds twittering yet. They won’t until the mist clears. Everything is as silent as the mist, so Gon keeps his footing light. A little further into the forest, where the trees cast everything in thick shadow, a faint sound breaks the morning spell, and makes Gon stop to listen.

It sounds like… soft sobbing?

Gon follows the sound, and Killua’s scent grows stronger. He lightly leaps onto a large rock, and the thick blanket of moss cushions the sound of his feet. Below, a spot of color between the greenery catches Gon’s attention. His eyes widen and his breathing stops.

In the deep shadow of a kingly tree, Killua sits on his knees, facing the tree, one hand leaning against the trunk. His other hand is covering his eyes, and his back is shaking with heavy sobs.

Gon is frozen. He can’t believe what he’s seeing. He can’t believe he’s hearing Killua’s sobs.

The sobs hitch. Killua’s fist slams the trunk, but there’s no force, and the tree remains unharmed. Killua’s fist slides weakly down the trunk and his arm hangs limply at his side, strength sucked out of him.

Pain grabs Gon’s heart in an iron fist, and he clutches his shirt above his heart. Last night he felt such closeness with Killua it was like their souls bonded and blended. He was inside Killua. He felt Killua’s heartbeats. But now… His world is tilting, and he feels like he doesn’t know Killua at all.

Killua is right in front of him, crying, and doesn’t seem to notice Gon’s presence. He’s unguarded.

Gon doesn’t know what to do. He feels an urge to go to Killua, wrap him in a tight embrace and kiss away his tears. But his body is rooted to the spot. There’s an invisible, almost unbreakable wall between them, as unmovable as the Zoldyck testing gates used to be. But Gon had overcome one testing gate and passed through it. This wall doesn’t have a gate that can be opened with physical strength. All he can do is watch, and feel his heart clench painfully. He knows why Killua is out here.

Killua came out here to cry because he didn’t want Gon to see it.

Gon’s heart twists sharply.

Killua’s sobs stop, and only his hitching breaths sound loud in the quiet forest. He tenses, and lifts the hand away from his eyes like he’s about to turn his head.

Gon swirls around and leaps off the rock. He runs, his feet silent after years of practice, up the forest back towards the tent. By the time he reaches the tent, tears are flooding his eyes and escaping down his face. He slumps down on the damp grass, wipes his face on his sleeves, and stares out at the horizon until the tears stop.

When Killua comes back, he’s wearing a smile, and there’s no sign that he’s been crying. There’s not even redness in his eyes. He walks differently than yesterday, a little stiffly, like he’s somewhat uncomfortable. “Oh, you’re up.”

Gon puts on a smile and stands up. “Morning.” If Killua doesn’t want Gon to know what he was doing, the least Gon can do is pretend. “You want breakfast? Mito packed us some crackers. We can eat more when we get back to the house.”

They eat together, watching the sun rise higher into the sky and bathing them in fresh early morning light.

There’s a tension in the air between the two of them, and Gon is sure Killua suspects Gon saw him earlier, but he knows Killua won’t mention it.

Gon won’t mention it either. He pretends all is well, and it’s a strange feeling. A few years ago, he would have talked about this with Killua. But now… his instincts tell him to keep quiet.

Killua isn’t quite meeting Gon’s eyes directly for more than a couple of seconds.

Gon brushes his hand against Killua’s.

Killua freezes up for a second before he returns to normal.

Gon’s heart sinks. He’d hoped Killua would take hold of his hand. He wants to kiss him, but somehow Gon can’t bring himself to do it, and he feels the invisible wall between them again.

They head back in silence.

The mist has mostly cleared out, and only a pastel-blue sliver veils the tree tops. The sun isn’t high enough in the sky yet to send streams of light through the canopy of leaves. The birds have begun singing their morning songs, carefree and unaware of the tension Gon feels hanging in the air.

Killua’s gait is different. It’s more noticeable now. Instead of effortlessly gliding, there’s tension in his legs and back, as though he’s trying too hard to walk normally.

Gon doesn’t like it, and he wonders if it’s his fault. Didn’t the blog mention something about soreness the day after? “Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you last night, did I?”

Killua’s shoulders raise a bit and stiffen. He keeps looking forward as he answers. “Gon, I’ve literally been electrocuted more times than I bothered to count. Nothing you did last night is even close to actually hurting me.” He picks up his pace a bit, as though proving his point, and ends up in front of Gon.

There’s the wall again, as though the air between them has solidified. “Killua.” Gon reaches out, intending to smash a hole right through it, and lightly grabs Killua’s fingers. “If I did something wrong, I’m really sorry.”

Killua freezes. His back moves subtly with his breaths.

Gon wishes Killua would turn around and look at him. He waits for Killua’s head to turn, but it doesn’t happen.

Killua keeps looking forward, and Gon can’t see what expression he’s making. “You didn’t do anything,” Killua says and his voice is too quiet, too blank. “We should keep going. Alluka and I have to catch a ship today.” He begins walking and slips his fingers out of Gon’s hand.

Gon let’s his empty hand drop to his side, and watches Killua’s back. He swears Killua has never been this bad at acting before. He did something to Killua, he’s sure of it now. It’s his fault Killua is upset. Last night he thought they became closer. Today they’re even further apart than before Killua set foot on the island.

He walks behind Killua, feeling like he’s threading after an animal that’s been cornered too many times. He wonders if he should attempt to talk things over properly. Demand Killua tell him what’s going on. But he doesn’t want to cause an argument. This is Killua’s last day on Whale Island. After today, Gon doesn’t know when he’ll get to see Killua again. Gon doesn’t want Killua to leave in a bad mood.

When they come back to the house, Killua immediately claims the shower. Ten minutes later, he comes into the living room fully clothed, and only a slight dampness to his hair. He looks in Gon’s direction, but doesn’t meet Gon’s eyes. “Your turn.”

Gon hurries through his shower. No point in enjoying the hot water when Mito has started making breakfast already, and waste more minutes he could spend in Killua’s company. Or try to figure out what’s wrong between them.

Mito, with the help of Alluka, has prepared a small feast as Killua and Alluka’s last meal on Whale Island. Fruits, rice, fish, breads, and spreads fill up the entire dining table. Although the dining table only has room for six chairs.

As they eat, Alluka chats with Mito as though they’re locked in a never-ending conversation that started last night.

Killua watches them, smiling and chuckling at Alluka’s retelling of anecdotes. It’s as though nothing is wrong. As though this morning never happened. As though last night never happened.

Gon sits opposite Killua and watched him carefully, tries to find the cracks in Killua’s cheerful smile, to spot trembling at the corners of his mouth. But he can’t see anything. Killua’s acting is impeccable. Except for one thing. Killua doesn’t look directly at Gon. Not once.

His gaze glides in Gon’s direction a couple of times when he reaches for the bread, and over him without making eye-contact. As though Gon isn’t even there.

Gon wants to say something. Not quite shout, but raise his voice and ask Killua what is going on. But he doesn’t. He can’t bring himself to do it. His throat is closed, and the rest of his body feels increasingly heavy, like there’s an anchor in his stomach. He had his chance to speak to Killua in the forest when it was only the two of them, and Killua had shut the conversation down. Whatever is going on, Killua doesn’t want Gon to know, and what kind of friend would Gon be if he tried to force Killua into telling him.? A voice in his head tells him to do it anyway, but he doesn’t want to be that selfish.

Killua and Alluka are leaving at noon for port where they need to catch a ship back to the mainland. Gon contemplates persuading his way into walking with them to port and seeing them off. But if he does, he’s afraid he might not want to stop himself from leaving with them. No, he’s sure he won’t want to stop himself, but will have to anyway. It’s better if he doesn’t go with them.

Gon watches Killua and Alluka pack. Killua is done fast, but Alluka has a few extra articles of clothing given to her by Mito to pack into her backpack. And after she’s done she once again thanks Mito warmly.

Mito gives Killua and Alluka a couple of bags of food to take with them, and then they’re ready to leave.

They both hug Mito goodbye, and Mito tells them they’re welcome back anytime, and that her door will always be open.

Alluka bounds up to Gon with a smile that’s bright yet slightly sad, and she hugs him tight. “It was so great seeing you. I’ll miss you—we’ll both miss you. Especially my brother.” And there’s something in her tone, like she knows something Gon doesn’t. She lets go of him and walks up to Killua who is waiting in the doorway with both his and Alluka’s backpacks at his feet.

Killua’s gaze meets Gon’s directly for the first time today, and he visibly swallows before he averts his gaze and looks at Alluka. “All ready?”

She nods at him, but then her smile falters. “But you haven’t said goodbye to Gon yet?”

Killua tenses up for a second, then returns to normal. “It’s not really goodbye. We’ll see each other again.” He shrugs.

“But, you didn’t say ‘see you later’ either.” Alluka frowns. “You haven’t even talked to him since you came back from camping.”

“Alluka—”

“No, I don’t want to hear whatever excuse you’re about to say. I can tell something changed between you two. And I won’t take a step out this door until you hug Gon goodbye properly.”

Killua looks like he just received a smack to the face.

Alluka isn’t done. “I know neither of us know when we will see each other again. It could be years. That’s why I want you to do this. That’s why it’s important. We always have to say goodbye.”

Alluka looks at Gon and gives him a small smile as though she’s trying to tell him something without words.

Gon is too stunned to understand what’s going on. He never expected this from Alluka.

Mito looks on with wide eyes, clearly unsure what to make of this.

Alluka’s face is set with firm determination. “And you’re making Nanika sad.”

Alluka and Killua stare at each other for several moments.

Killua is the first to look away. He blows out a soft sigh and scratches the back of his neck.

Alluka’s expressions softens, like she knows she’s already won the silent battle they just had.

Killua looks at Gon, and the casual, polite smile Gon has seen Killua reserve for people he’s just met comes to his lips. “This was fun. See you later, yeah?”

“No.” Alluka bumps her fist into Killua’s shoulder. “Go to him and hug him.”

Killua doesn’t even wince, but he looks at Alluka in surpise. “Alluka what are you—”

“Do it. I won’t leave until you do.” Her tone is firm, leaving no room for argument. She pushes Killua’s back.

Killua doesn’t fall forward, but blows out another sigh and steps towards Gon. “Alright, alright, I’ll do it to make you happy.” He walks towards Gon without looking directly at him.

Gon’s heart beats a little harder. He takes a few steps forward and meets Killua halfway.

They’re half an arm’s length apart, and yet Killua’s gaze is somewhere over Gon’s shoulder. Killua takes a step forward, brings his hands up and embraces Gon like he’s made of glass. “See you.”

Gon’s chest feels like it’s being stabbed from the inside, and he can’t take this anymore. He steps out of Killua’s hug. “No.”

Killua looks at him then, and he looks lost.

Gon cups Killua’s face, gently, but firmly, and kisses him.

Killua freezes against him.

Gon only kisses firmer. He moves his hands down Killua’s face and lets them rest on his neck. He breaks the contact between their mouths and looks into Killua’s eyes. “Killua, I love you. I didn’t really know what that meant before, but I think I do now. And if you don’t feel the same then that’s—that’s just how it is but… I don’t want you to leave. And I know you have to, but I just miss you—”

Killua surges forward, wraps his arms around Gon’s waist and hugs him tight, his body pressing fully against Gon’s. “Shut up.” Killua’s voice sounds small, like it’s barely held together.

Gon’s arms instinctively wrap around Killua, and his hands land on Killua’s back.

A tremor goes through Killua’s back. “Why’d you have to say that again. Damn it.” Killua buries his face in Gon’s shoulder and his voice comes out slightly muffled. “I never thought you’d actually—I was used to it, used to feel like you’d never feel like I did. And last night I just… For you it was just trying something new, and I knew that, but if I could just pretend that—that for one night you felt like—”

“Like you did?” Gon isn’t sure what’s happening. Killua returns his feelings…? A spark of hope lights inside his chest. “Killua do you…also love me?”

Killua doesn’t answer, instead he lifts his head from Gon’s shoulder and presses his lips to Gon’s.

On impulse, Gon melts into the kiss. It’s like he can feel all of Killua’s feelings through their kiss, the longing, the affection, and an almost unbearable sadness. Gon puts a hand on the back of Killua’s head, feeling his cotton-soft hair. He drinks it in, the feel of Killua’s lips, his scent filled with Whale Island soaps, and Mito’s cooking, and Gon’s own scent. The warmth of Kilua’s body touching his, he doesn’t think he can ever get enough of it all. He takes it in like a deep breath after staying underwater for so long his lungs are burning for air.

Gon hates to be the one to break the kiss first, but there are words burning on his tongue and he needs Killua to know this won’t be their last. He slowly pulls back and rests his forehead against Killua’s. “We'll meet again soon. I promise we will.”

Killua’s eyes are closed, and his breath ghosts over Gon’s lips.

Gon closes his eyes too. “When I can control my Nen again, I’ll come find you. Then we can travel around together like we used to. You and me, and Alluka too.” His chest feels too small for his heart, and tears are forming behind his eyelids. “It won’t be long. I feel more in control every day. It'll be soon. I can feel it." His voice feels like it’s about to break, but he grins wide and strokes Killua’s cheeks with his thumbss, then hugs Killua tightly against his chest.

Killua returns the hug like he’s trying to merge his body with Gon’s.

It’s almost painful, but Gon doesn’t mind it. For years, he’s been prepared to take any pain for the ones he cares about. For Killua, he’ll face anything, even if it kills him. He was ready to do it when they were twelve.

When they slowly step out of each other’s embrace, Killua’s cheeks look wet, and his eyes are slightly pink. The smile on his face is happy and strained, like a cracking mask. “See you soon then, Gon.”

“Yeah!” Gon puts on the most cheerful grin he can muster up.

Killua steps towards the door and his gaze doesn’t leave Gon until he’s right beside Alluka again.

Alluka has tears in her eyes and a her hands barely cover her wide smile. She looks from Killua and Gon, and bounces a little.

“Oh, boys.” Mito is watching too. She’s smiling, and there’s a slight tremble to her bottom lip. She covers her mouth with one hand, and her eyes look watery. For a couple of seconds it looks like she’s about to burst into tears, but she holds it in.

Gon attention focuses on Killua again, and he wants to hug him again.

“I’m really happy for you. Nanika is too.” Alluka looks meaningfully at Gon, then at Killua. “I’ll call, and text, and send lots of photos until we meet again.” She holds up her phone and waves it, then picks up her backpack.

Gon nods at her, because he can’t quite find anything to say.

Killua picks up his backpack and outs it over his shoulder. He takes a step out the door, and turns his head and looks back at Gon. “Don’t do anything stupid without me.” His grin is bright, with an edge of teasing smugness. “See ya’ Gon.” He lifts one hand in a gesture of goodbye and begins walking.

Alluka shoots Gon another bright smile before she follows her brother out the door, and skips up next to him. She looks back and waves widely. “Goodbye auntie Mito! Goodbye Gon!”

Mito runs to the doorway and waves back, shouting her goodbyes.

Gon joins her in on the waving and smiling, but can’t quite find his voice to say anything.

Killua turns his head and meets Gon’s gaze one last time.

Gon’s heart clenches. He watches Killua and Alluka become dots in the distance until they disappear over the hill next to the forest, then he sits in the doorway and watches the horizon until he feels numb. He doesn’t want to move, not while Killua is only a few minutes’ sprint away.

It’s only when the heavy afternoon sun hangs low on the sky, and trees cast long shadows across the grass, that Mito lets him know there’s food ready in the kitchen.

Gon eats in silence, and he appreciates that Mito doesn’t attempt to engage him in conversation even though she casts him contemplative glances. He knows Mito is giving him space, like she’s learned he needs.  
When he’s done eating, he goes into the hall, puts on his boots and calls into the living room, “Don’t wait for me with dinner. I’ll spend the night outside.”

He jogs outside. It’s time to work on his Nen.


End file.
